I have four days left of working in the office. It’s been a long transition. In the Quitters Quarterly my type of quitting is called the lingering quit- not meant for the faint of heart. No kidding! A three month notice is too long of a notice but I knew I wanted to do this for at least four. Life unfolds in unexpected ways. The last month and a half has been grueling and slow. Not because I can’t stand my job but because the wait to get started has allowed doubt to creep in. I’m a little scared but if I really break it down there is no reason to be scared. Its just change, something that happens all the time whether we want it to or not and hey, I chose this change. I swear it all comes down to believing in yourself. Believing that you have the ability and the capacity to be anything you want and to live life the way you want to live it.
But this post isn’t about fear and why I would be nervous about quitting my job
and income and insurance and security…
It’s about the final stages of planning. You know when you are going to go on a trip to some place you’ve never been but have always wanted to go? Like to India or island hoping in the Pacific? In order to do this trip you have to give up a lot of things, like your career or a relationship, your family because they don’t approve; it’s too risky and there is no point to it but… you have always wanted to go. You are lonely around people, you’ve made money but don’t feel happy, you have a relationship but sadly down inside you could take it or leave it (and you feel bad about that feeling) you are living “right” but you’re not fulfilled. All you want is to let it all go and take this trip this journey this exploration to places where people don’t know you, don’t identify you as anything but the stereotype of your country, which in actuality is broad, and you don’t have any promises to keep, no disappointments, no expectations just an empty slate for a month, two months maybe a year. You want this! You are giving up everything in the now and the path of the current future for it, and you are a week away from the flight taking off… and that’s when it hits you. Shit! What am I doing? I did like my relationship maybe if I tried harder. If I stay I could work towards a promotion. I have opportunities. What if something happens while I’m gone? And you are right. With every door that opens not just one but several doors close. And the scary thing about the new door, you have no idea where it is opening and you don’t know if there will be other doors or how hard they will be to open. I can drag this analogy on forever but you get what I mean.
My main point is that although I’m not embarking on some trek over the Atlantic, that feeling of a week before you leave is a bit how I feel. I don’t really know why I should feel this way, I mean, unless the world unravels, which I suppose could happen, I’m going to be fine. I think sometimes fear is good. Not a type of fear that paralysis but they kind that makes you be more aware. It’s like if you’re crossing the street. If you are too afraid you’ll never do it, but if you don’t have some fear of getting hit you wont look at all.
I have a project and a deadline. I’m writing a book, and that’s the risk for all of this, and it’s a risk worth taking. Most people take a lot longer than two months to write a book but I’ll just imagine I have this ridiculous client that wants the project done in two months. I deal with fear by imagining I am someone other than me. We’ll see how long that tactic can last.