What happens after the tour?

It has been a long couple of weeks trying to memorize from words to blocking to new movement that my body just didn’t want to do. I can never figure out if the reason I am in such pain from the new acrobatics (acro-yoga) that I have been required or asked to learn has to do with not doing it or being old. I feel like I should say, “oh when I was younger I didn’t hurt so much, I’m just getting old.” But honestly, I’m not sure, oh yeah, I’m getting older no denying that but I can’t remember the rate of how sore I would or would not get. Regardless, I am sore now.

In one of the scenes myself and another woman say our lines while we dance, the scene is really a lovemaking scene, and I think it could look very beautiful, and if we play it honestly (and of course skillfully) it could be very moving. Honestly, for a dancer I don’t think its tough stuff in fact its too bad I couldn’t do the lifts, I feel like if I had more time I could build up the strength but, as it is, we only have two weeks left till we open.

My god, two weeks. I can’t believe how fast this has all been. I’m completely excited about the show and the tour and completely terrified as to what my life is going to be like when I return to Portland, especially since I wont have a home.

When looking at myself I sometimes think that my personality does not match my career dreams or life style. I’m such a worried person that even in my sleep I’m stressed. Not the type of personality meant for living by the seat of your pants. I had watched an interview with Cormac McCarthy and I was awed by his comfort when talking about living in poverty. I thought, geeze if I could just get comfortable with it. I mean its true I don’t need much, but still I am not comfortable with it. My friend said, she wondered what his upbringing was like, because she felt that when you are raised poor, like we were, that it is harder to find ease with poverty because you were already there and it was hard and you tend to crave security when you get older. I elaborated by adding that we have childhood memories where we had no control of our environment and felt helpless and it was equated with money and security.

Another thing she pointed out was that when you are raised poor it is hard to believe things will work out because they didn’t often work out, and you fell again and again and again. She says as an adult she is terrified of being poor again and always feels like they could loose everything, while her husband who was born and raised with a lot of security always feels like things generally will work out.

Who knows if something like this is true, but it is interesting, I find that even though I know what it is like to struggle it never seems to get easier and I never have grown comfortable and accustomed to it even though I grew up in it. I have had money less times than I have had it, and sadly I am terrible with it.

I try to have faith, faith that the past year has a greater plan that all of the struggles and sacrifices and risks will serve some purpose some lesson in the plan, other than the obvious lessons like don’t be an artist or don’t quit your day job especially the same day the economy collapses. If those are the life lessons, then, I want my year back because that is just stupid.

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