Meeting organizers and thinking about the future

Today I met with organizers from Write Around Portland, New Avenues for Youth, Outside IN and Portland Center Stage. As I sat around the table with these inspiring people I thought: how the hell did I get here? It was so adult. I never feel adult. I notice that when I am in these environments, with people who I find to be extremely intelligent, I start to feel tired, like my body can’t handle it, and I wonder how long before they figure out I’m an idiot. I’m not sure why I feel like this, but I am certainly aware of it. So when Dawn from Write Around said, I really want Adrienna to talk about herself she is one of our best facilitators and has worked well with Youth, I felt heated. I mean I could feel my face turn red, because I felt like I had to lie about myself, although I wasn’t, and I didn’t think I had enough accolades to impress anyone. Thank god that feeling passed as I became more excited in the workshop. It will be a three day workshop all centered around the show Ragtime. The first day will be writing around the themes perspectives and empathy. The second day we will go to the show- which I am excited to see- then the third day we will be writing around the theme of historical fiction. Dawn and I will meet again next week to create the structure for the workshops. I’m excited and nervous as usual, but more excited because the subject matter is so thrilling.  It all makes me feel very grown up, like I’m actually doing something important and needed. It’s strange to have this duality of feeling, the inner body saying, they will find out what a fake you are, and the outer body picking up the excitement of the prospect and moving forward regardless of the inner body’s fears. The strangest part is my awareness of it all.

Tomorrow I start my training for Playwrite which will take place the following week and then there is another Playwrite workshop I have been invited too in November. Oh! and Portland Center Stage and New avenues and Write Around Portland are doing another show: Snow on Falling Cedars, and there is a chance I can do that one too which would be symbolic for me since I met David Guterson, a little over a year ago, on the train from Seattle to Portland. I had just decided to fully commit my life to writing and art and he was sitting on the train next to me and said, “are you a writer?” He may even sit in on my workshop which would be crazy! It appears as if things are moving in a positive direction. I’m still broke and uncertain but I’m moving forward, I think.

Speaking of broke and uncertain, my mother went into surgery yesterday. It breaks my heart that I couldn’t be there with her. She said she had cancer but they removed it, but they are checking to find out if the other polyps are cancerous.  I am preying that they are not cancerous, but if they are I am going to have to think about packing my life up here, and going back to Northern California to take care of her. I’m not thrilled about the thought. Taking care of my mother doesn’t bother me, she has had a really difficult life, and I want her to be happy for some portion of it, and my being with her will make her happy. But for me opportunities are limited if not null and I will be alone so it will be tough.

When this reality is presented to me it is at these times that I wish I could have just gotten a good paying job like a normal person or got a valuable degree like in nursing or law or business or something, just to make money so I could take care of her and myself. I don’t like to think of my mother dying but death is of course a natural part of life. She is my only family and when I think of her gone I feel terribly lonely. I’d like to get as much of her as I can. Even if the diagnoses is good I plan to go down after the workshops for a visit.

This part of life is just so hard. I think it is why I am still trying to hold on to following through with the writing and picking up the workshops and facilitating whenever I can because I don’t think we get a lot of shots in life to really do what we want, and make the most of who we are, so the struggle is worth it (even if sometimes it feels like it is too much to take). Under that voice that says I’m a fake there is another voice that thinks I’m worth far more than I have ever given myself credit, and that there is something I am supposed to be doing, something important. Ya know?!

And just to lighten the mood- some more muppets- Animal was may favorite when I was a kid and I find this one particularly funny.

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