Decision Making and Grad School

Well, I’ve decided I’m going to go to Grad School. This has taken me about four years to decide. I’ve also decided to pursue my masters in writing. I feel right about the decision, especially since it had taken me all this time to finally make the decision. The funny thing about it is that it comes on the tale-end of my mental tirade against college. I can’t say I’m against college. I am a whole-hearted supporter of education, and higher education, in fact, I think everyone should have access to a higher education. I think our country as a whole would benefit from a greater access to higher education, but what do I know, I just have a lousy B.A., what’s that mean anymore? The very thought of money and college makes me want to scream, but I’m not focusing on that right now. Right now, I am focusing on the decision and what finally brought me here.

I can’t get a good paying job. This isn’t what made me think, “oh go for a masters in writing”, because god knows that doesn’t promise me anything, but right now it seems like very little promises a person anything. I had been thinking and really struggling about the idea of going back to school for Education, because I am really good at teaching. That’s what I am told, and also it feels really natural to me to teach, but I’m watching the school system just crumble. I know people who are out of work teachers, and schools are closing, and I just think, man, I’m going to go to school to learn to teach, and there may not even be an education system left. It isn’t just the gloom and doom theory of the down fall of our education system, it’s that I am not passionate about teaching as my profession. I’m good at it. I know I am, and I feel like I have a talent, a gift almost, but it doesn’t mean I want it to be my job. In fact, I would like to have a job that pays well enough that I can continue volunteering. As a volunteer it is impossible for me to get caught up in the crap. What do I care about the issues over pay or the threat of loosing my job or proving myself as a perfect teacher?Screw all those things, I’m doing it for free. I’m doing it because I enjoy it, I’m good at it, and I have absolutely nothing to prove; it just seems like something I should do, you know, like a part of my civic duty or something. Making it my profession, I think it would ruin all of the joy. Still, I struggled with this because to go to school to be a teacher seems smart and practical, and if I am good at it why not make it my job, but I just couldn’t do it.

I kept telling myself it is ridiculous to go get your masters in writing. If you want to be a writer, just write, you don’t need to get a degree. This is true, in fact most of my favorite writers never finished college. I’d say to myself, ‘well if I’m not going to get a job with a masters in writing, and it doesn’t mean I’m going to be a writer, than what’s the point?’ Seriously my mind has been debating with the issue of grad school for four years, hell I could have gotten another undergraduate by now.

So why the decision now? Well, I’m not finding work one way or the other. I’m at poverty level, and I already have a sickening college debt from a theatre, and an English degree that never gets me a job. I never want any of the jobs that I am applying for anyway; retail, waiting tables, receptionist. Things I do want, or think I want, want more experience, more talent, more than I have to offer on paper. What I want more than anything, is to be a writer, and I want to be a great writer. Writing is not a job that comes with a time card. The rewards come after the work not during. I figure, I know how to be poor, I know how to work in jobs that I don’t like, but I don’t know everything there is to know about writing. In fact, I know very little. I think I have taken myself pretty far on my own, but there is much more for me to learn. Why not study what my passion is? why not become a master in my craft? So what if it never promises me success or a decent paying job? Success is up to me and what I decide to do with my education. And, so what if I turn out to be the brightest retail clerk known to the planet with the largest gut-wrenching debt, at least I will be a master of my craft. Honestly, who knows what the future will bring all I know is that I need more and I am ready to learn more.

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