All the talk of the up coming revelations and the Mayan calendar, two suddenly related beliefs that if they were together (the religions) they would probably try to kill one another, had got me to thinking about the end of the world. Well that’s too big, more like what if this was my last year on earth? Then I thoughtI should quit my job, not give a shit about anyone, and just hobo around because were all going to die anyway so why follow the rules? That’s not very Christian of course; what I should be doing is repenting, but I’m not christian, and besides, I actually don’t think you do get to repent last-minute. Thinking that way is rather bleak really, I mean there is no chance to be saved, and there is no breaking the rules because what if your wrong and you go to jail for that robbery, and the world doesn’t end. See the dilemma? What it really got me wondering about was, what do I do? I mean, am I making the most of my life? I certainly don’t think so, and what if this was the last chance I had? In truth everyday is the last chance because you just don’t know when your life will end. Some people live to be a hundred, some don’t even make it past the age of three, and good people die when they are just beginning to bloom, and mean and cruel people live long lives oppressing others. There are no clues, no promises. Everyday has to be important and special. My huge fear is my complacency, and my depression, my lack of motivation or belief in myself that I can reach my goals and my dreams. Of course if the world ends or I get hit by a car tomorrow I wont reach most of them, but that’s okay if I at least lived like I was going to reach them. I have trapped myself, and if there was one thing I would like to do in this prophetic final year is free myself from me (sorry believers I don’t think the world is ending, but were all different and we believe different things, and nothing is ever as we think it will be anyway, even the end). Right now I am so far from who and what I want to be. Right now, I feel like a worker ant, working for bits of dirt and not even to serve a higher purpose, but just to live without meaning. This is huge to me, I want more for myself, but I’m trapped by my mind. It is simple and thinks small, it dreams big but it thinks small, it only believes what it was taught and it wasn’t taught much. What my brain needs to understand and believe in is possibility.
Will that happen this year? I don’t know, but I’ve started a new blog (this one I have to keep up on) called Adrienna Marie Ogin 365 &1/2 and it is a diary blog. I have a journal that I am keeping hand written notes of daily and I am daily posting the bullet points. Why? Who cares? Well, I am curious as to what exactly it is that I do with my life. Why can’t I move beyond my obstacles? What are my obstacles really? Is it me? How do I move beyond me? It makes me think of Mary Oliver’s poem, The Summer Day. If you are interested in my new blog you can link here.
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?