My cat died today. She died in my arms. I hope it was the right choice, I hope she was ready. Its difficult to tell with animals. I wasn’t ready. I would never have been ready. I dug her grave this morning, and eerily and somewhat comically she watched. She even peered her head into the grave as I dug. At first I laughed, but then I told her it was too macabre and she should go. Then we watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind until the vet aka Dr. Death came. I didn’t want to let him in. It was all very fast. He said she was very weak and she probably would go fast and she did. She had a couple types of cancer and it was all a race to see which one would kill her first, and neither winner would be a pretty death. That was why I had to decide if I should have her put to sleep or wait it out. I did not like this experience at all.
I’ll never forget the final moment she had life within her flesh. As the serum rapidly raced toward her heart I could feel her life. Then it evaporated, and I felt her energy dissipated and dissolve, then her eyes turned a cloudy grey, and suddenly she was gone, and in my arms was the body of a cat. I’ll never forget the feeling of life leaving. It just evaporated. She was nothing but a shell without the life that moved inside her. I was fascinated and simultaneously filled with a deep sorrow.
I buried her in her little donut, and gave her her snot stick, and a picture of me so that she would always have mom, and then covered her with a shirt of mine so she could always smell mom. I felt almost like I was reenacting that scene from Poltergeist when Carol Anne buries her bird, only this was all very real and very painful. My heart hurt. After I buried her I rushed through the house throwing away everything kitty.
I really loved my cat, you know, I was fairly close to being a cat lady. I just needed a few more years on me. She had been my only consistent companion, and even now I feel lonely without her although, I feel like I can hear her meowing or think maybe she’s upstairs sleeping in my roommates closet, but she isn’t. I know she isn’t. I held her body, I carried her to a grave, then I covered her with dirt. That was the end.